


Losing Yourself

by BrokenBookAddict



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Episode tag- 4x17, F/M, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Love, Romance, SnowHarry, Snowells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 18:36:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14267133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokenBookAddict/pseuds/BrokenBookAddict
Summary: The team are concerned about Harry and his recent behaviour.





	Losing Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> I do NOT own The Flash. Obviously what I do own are any errors. 
> 
> This was inspired by the episode description for 4x17 which says Joe is concerned about Harry.

With the drama passed for the moment, a quiet period settling over the team as they take pause to gather themselves.

Now that Barry is safely back on the ground, at least for the moment, Joe takes this time to address the team about something that has been on his mind the last few days. "I'm... worried about Harry. I think that cap thingy is messing with his head." He waves his hand at his own head to emphasise his point. He takes in the team's faces as they stare back at him. "I think someone should talk to him, I can't be the only one that's noticed the change in the guy since he... you know."

"Reengineered his brain's neurochemistry." Cisco filled in the technical stuff that Joe, even after all these years of working with team Flash, still doesn't understand in it's entirety.

Joe points at the younger man. "Yes, since he did that. Tell me I'm not the only one who's noticed the change in the guy? You guys are around him all day, everyday."

"Yeah, we've noticed." Nods come from around the room in agreement to Barry's words.

Iris sighs, looking away from her dad. "So... Who's gonna talk with him?"

As if they are all in silent agreement, every head turns in Caitlin's direction, making her eyes widen to suddenly be the centre of attention.

"Me?" She asks, pointing at herself. "Why, me?"

"Because you're the obvious choice," Barry states, ignoring the look on his friend's face.

From his lounged position in an office chair across the room, Ralph raises his hand. "If Snow cone isn't up for it, I'll talk to him if you want?" He offers, trying to be helpful and is immediately shut down by everyone present in the room.

"No!" Is the resounding answer from all those gathered.

"Okay okay, jeez. I can see where I'm not needed," Ralph says, feigning hurt before exiting the cortex, whistling his way out having quickly gotten over their rejection of his help.

Looking back at the others, Caitlin questions their decision. "Why have you all come to the conclusion that I'm such an obvious choice?"

Barry looks caught in the headlights like a poor little deer. "Because you've been spending time together? Cisco mentioned you've been having Jitters dates." He looks rather enthusiastic about it, like he is pleased for them.

"Dude!" Cisco exclaims, feeling betrayed by the speedster as Caitlin turns a fierce glare his way, he holds up his hands in defence. "Not cool," He directs at Barry before turning to the bio-engineer at his side. "Sorry."

The look she gives him says you want to be sorry before looking at the others who are all staring back at her. She is waiting for it, waiting for the question to come and it doesn't take long, Iris being the one to ask the burning question.

"So you're... dating Harry?"

"No. No, I'm not." She hopes the disappointment doesn't show in her voice, that is the last thing she needs right now, for them to work out that she wants to be dating him. "It's just coffee, we talk, nothing as scandalous as you're imagining." If only it was as scandalous, she think ruefully.

Iris nods, though she doesn't look as convinced as the others, glancing at the team gathered before looking back at the other woman. "You're the best person to talk to him, he trusts you, he'll listen to you."

Caitlin sighs warily, glancing at Cisco beside her, who nods back. "Fine, I'll talk to him."

"Good," Joe declares looking pleased that his work here is done, he leans forward and kisses Iris' forehead. "I'm headed back to the station, see y'all later."

As Joe leaves, Caitlin feels eyes on her and when she looks, they are all staring at her. "What?"

"Don't you have a talk to be having, girl?"

She looks at Cisco in disbelief. "What, now?"

"Sure, no time like the present right." He glances over to Barry and Iris for back up, who both send thumbs up in her direction, encouraging her onwards.

"Fine." She slips out of her chair and straightens her dress. "No time like the present," she repeats as she walks out of the cortex.

She has no idea where to even start and she doesn't really have much time to mull it over because the familiar walk down to his work room doesn't take that long and before she knows it she's standing in the open doorway. Standing there quietly, she takes the time to just observe him. He's working on something as he stares intently at the screen, fingers flying over the touch screen, a frown on his handsome face. And there it is... that goddamn thinking cap, stuck on his head. She doesn't think she's disliked something as much as that in a long time and it's because it's slowly changing him and she hates that, hates the idea of him losing himself, losing the things that makes Harry, _Harry_.

And standing there observing him, Caitlin can feel it rising up, the anger at that stupid metal cap because she wants it gone and not having it affect him any longer. She's snapped out of her loathing of that metal contraption when he gets up from his chair, moving away from the desk to stand in in front of a row of clear dry erase boards, two of the three covered in writing, equations of what he's currently working on.

"Can I help you, Snow?"

Caitlin hadn't realised that he's noticed her presence. "I was wondering if we could... talk?"

He has his back to her, glancing over his shoulder at her. "Talk about what?"

"You."

That makes him stop and turn to her, a frown on his face. "Why do you want to talk to me?" He sounds suspicious which isn't a good sign for this conversation.

"We're worried about you," she says honestly as she moves further into the room.

"What's there to be worried about? I'm fine."

"Are you, fine? Because to us, your friends, people that care about you, you don't seem fine." She comes to stand at his side, her eyes shifting over his face. "I'm worried about you."

"Snow..." That last part makes him pause as he adjusts the cap on his head.

Seeing him adjust it irritates her and she snaps. "Take it off."

"What?..." Harry stutters, taken aback by her tone.

She glares at him or the cap, it's hard to tell what the glares aimed at. "Take off the cap."

Harry being as stubborn as he is, just glares right back. "There's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with the booster."

She acts before she thinks. Reaching up, attempting to take it off herself. His hands lift in defence, fingers curling around her forearms as he tries to stop her but she's stronger than she looks as they struggle. It would have been comical if they both weren't slightly angry.

"Snow, stop!" Harry growls, low and gruff, it irritates him further that she doesn't listen.

"It's affecting you, just take... It... Off!"

But he doesn't, he just tries to stop her from doing so. In the slight struggle they move together until she's pressed up against the clear board with him against her. His eyes blaze into hers when she succeeds, the cap falling to the floor with a dull thud. "Fuck," he swears feeling slightly pissed, his fingers tightening around her wrists, pressing them into the board beside her head. "We need that!"

"No, we don't. You don't." Caitlin implores with him, trying to get him to understand. "It's affecting you, you know it, I know it... just please, stop."

"No."

"Yes," she retorts right back, her eyes on fire as she stares him down. "Tell me you haven't used dark matter, tell me you haven't gone that far?"

"I haven't." He barely shakes his head and he can feel as well as hear her sigh of relief. "But the booster, It's the only way to-"

But she shakes her head. "It's not worth losing yourself for... I-" She stops herself, her eyes staring into his, because he's just so goddamn close and it's like she only now realises that fact, the fact that he's _right there, pressed up against her_.

"What?"

"I don't want you to lose who you are, Harry." It's said so simply, so softly but they both pick up the underlining ' _I don't want to lose you_ '.

They stare at each other, both a little breathless from the argument and the struggle and yet... neither is sure who moves first but someone does, closing what little space there is between them. Mouths moving together with the kind of intensity that she wasn't aware either of them were capable of. The kiss is kind of dirty, not at all like a first kiss should be, instead of soft and sweet, it's hard and deep, all teeth and tongue. Harry lets her wrists go, dropping his hands to her hips, pushing her harder against the board as he presses himself closer. Caitlin's hands aren't idle either, one hand fisting into his sweater while her right curls into his hair. His mouths leaves her, trailing kisses over her jaw down her neck, his hands straying lower to the edge of her dress, fingers creeping up under dancing along her thighs. A whimper leaves her throat when he nips at her, his tongue soothing over her skin afterwards.

"Harry..." his name comes in a whispered plea.

And it's like a bucket of ice water drenching him as he jerks himself away, staggering back as he stares at her. "I..."

The change is so sudden, gone from scorching hot to ice cold in a matter of seconds that it leaves her dizzy and out of habit she looks down at her hands. No, no ice there right now. Looking back up at him, she takes him in. His entire body language screams that he wants to run. "Harry?..."

"I... I'm sorry." He drags an agitated hand through his hair. "I'm sorry," he repeats taking a step away, further away from her and then he does as she predicted, he flees.

Caitlin pushes her hair away from her face, leaning back against the board taking a moment to steady herself. Her body still feels alive, the fire she hasn't felt in so long like smouldering ashes, now the initial fire he'd ignited within her has died down. She takes a few steadying breathes, claiming herself, hands smoothing over her dress as she stares down at the thinking cap that still lies on the floor where it fell. She can't stop the glare as she looks at it and a different fire starts to burn within her, anger and irritation replaces the hurt at him walking away and she moves, crossing the room to go after him. This conversation is far from over and if he thinks it is, he's very much mistaken especially after _that_ had just happened between.

As she storms through the halls, she passes Ralph as he wanders towards her. Taking in her thunderous expression, he points down the hallway to their left where Harry had just disappeared down. "He went that way." Showing no problem at giving up his friend's location.

"Thanks," she mutters as she passes by. As she walks down to where he is, she tries to ignore the memory of what had just happened between them, still able to feel his lips on hers, his hands creeping up under her dress, his teeth grazing her pulse point. She tries to ignore all of that which isn't easy and just concentrates on her destination which she reaches quickly. Stepping inside she walks across to the steps down, descending slowly as she takes him in sat on the few steps up onto the breach.

She pauses for a millisecond before continuing on, doubting herself just slightly before taking a seat next to him, her arm brushing his their proximity is that close but not close enough, like they just had been up in his work room, pressed up against his clear board. The silence that's there between them stretches on, neither saying anything. The agitation she feels when she came after him has slowing diminished and Caitlin is quiet just giving him and herself a moment before she starts. Doing what she came after him to do.

"This thinking cap or intelligence booster, whatever you want to call it, it's not you Harry but by you using it like you have been, you're losing yourself in the process. We... I'm worried about you Harry, I don't want anything to happen to you because you think this is the only way."

Harry rests his head in his hand, half covering his face. His shoulders are slumped, everything about him screams defeat and it shines through in his voice too. "It feels like the only way, the only real option we have."

She concedes that it's the best plan they've come up with lately. "But it's not worth the risk, we've overcome things far worse in the past, we've succeeded then and we can now."

He turns to look at her. "You honestly believe that?"

Caitlin nods, leaning into him as she raises her hand to the nape of his neck, fingers curling into his hair. She hides the smile that wants to break free as his eyes flutter to a close at the contact. "I believe we can. We're further ahead than we were, we have the last names of the bus metas, we're moving forward but now it's time to stop, with the cap. No more okay?"

Harry finally gives in and nods, his eyes staring into hers. "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, giving him a sad smile. "You don't have to be sorry, Harry, I just... I was scared for you."

He shakes his head as he takes off his glasses, running a hand over his face. "I didn't mean the cap I meant about what happened... just now between us."

"Oh." Caitlin pulls back a little, putting some space between them. Taking his words and the frown on his face to mean the worst. "You regret..."

"No!" He interrupts her a too little loud, knowing exactly where she's going with that line of thought. "No, I don't regret it, I just regret it happening like that." He adds more quietly, his hand coming up to her face, fingertips trailing down her cheek and along her jaw.

Relief floods her at his words and heat courses through her veins at his touch. Smiling softly at him she crooks her finger at him and he leans forward, closing what little gap there is between them. "I liked it, you know. It was nice," she whispers as if telling him some guarded secret.

Harry smirks, his stunning blue eyes darkening as he looks at her. "Nice, huh?"

Caitlin brushes her lips over his, teasing him. "Very," she answers slightly flirty and she feels his smile against her lips more than sees it.

"Me too."

Hearing him say that lights a fire inside of her and she just has to kiss him, so she does. This time however it's like she imagined their first kiss to be, slow and tentative, theirs mouths moving against each other almost lazily. Taking the time to discover and explore, deepening it with a whimper on her part and a groan on his. Eventually though they pulled away, breathing ragged but with smiles on their faces, foreheads resting together as they bask in the moment and each others embrace.

Pulling back, Harry cups her face, fingers gently holding her as he looks at her with such intensity. "Thank you." _For being there, for pulling me back from going to far_.

She reads what is left unsaid but it doesn't matter, her answer is all the same. "Always," she tells him softly. "I'll always be here for you, Harry."

When he nods and lowers his head to kiss her again, she knows he gets it. Harry now understands he has things to lose if he loses himself and there's no greater incentive for him than that.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts, either via comments or kudos. We may have a post episode fic, which will be up on Wednesday. Either way, more Snowells soon.


End file.
